benicek: (Default)
My old Australian friend [profile] tinkytylertoo emailed me today with a burning question "new dad! bit of  a life change eh? any new perspectives, epiphanies, fears?" I find that I cannot be anything but at ease and honest with this particular fellow. This was my reply........

I'm glad you asked........
Yea, life change indeed. Been feeling a bit traumatised today....that's the best word I come up with to describe the sensation. See, it didn't really work out the way I imagined it would. I'm deeply attached to Eva. I thought that the baby would pop out and there would be a little Eva, or a little me, and it would be love at first sight. My intimate circle of loved ones would increase by 100%, just like that. But no. This really quite odd looking baby appeared instead, that looks nothing like either of us. There was Eva hugging and kissing her precious newborn and a cold feeling crept over me. What the hell was this thing? Cute looking, certainly, but just a thing. A larval human. And this feeling hasn't really gone away, as I hoped it would. I haven't really warmed to the baby. I don't find it appealing to look at. I'm happier being in a different room. It irritates me when it cries. It cries when you offer it a breast swollen with milk but stops crying if you give it your little finger to suck. Even my gerbils aren't that fucking stupid. Even my gerbils, with their pea brains, will focus their eyes on me and acknowledge my presence.
However, I've talked about it with Eva, Eva's sister, my mother, and other friends who have children. They're reassured me that this isn't unusual. It is difficult to feel attached to a newborn; especially for fathers, often for mothers too. It will change as the baby grows into an enquiring child. I'm sure it will but, thus far, no epiphany I'm afraid.


13/7/06 17:17
benicek: (Default)
I am addicted to the new livejournal of an ancient Australian classmate of mine [ profile] tinkytyler. I haven't seen him in the flesh since 1986 and I had not heard his voice either until he unexpectedly called my on Skype the other day from Guangdong, China, where he has just started teaching English. I tracked him down via the wonder of the internet a couple of years ago.

The private British school in Hong Kong we both attended was, well, a pretty damned exciting and privileged melting pot to grow up in (just to eliminate any confusion here, I am a white English and [ profile] tinkytyler is white Australian). Possibly not as useful as it could have been; a more concerted attempt to teach us Cantonese would have been useful, but we were being groomed for universities in the UK and USA not, odd as this may sound, life in the city or continent we actually inhabited.

Anyway I remember [ profile] tinkytyler as the 15 year old class golden boy (no joke). A great wit; articulate and well read to a level I reached only in my twenties; intimidating when the ocassion demanded it. He was popular with the teachers for his brains, popular with us because he was a benevolent natural leader, so far removed in behaviour from those aggressive bullshitters who THOUGHT they were natural leaders. I was shy and socially awkward and, damn it, I confess I did idolise him a bit.

I think I've embarrassed him enough now.

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